Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 1 starting fresh...4/11/11

Well today is the day I come clean. I stepped on the scale for the first time in years. Funny how you can look in the mirror everyday and not see you are gaining weight. I felt like I was punched in the gut seeing that number. I cannot share that number with you yet because I have so much shame. How could this happen? What have I done? I have robbed myself of my most active years! I am now approaching 50 and thinking, should I just give up and die OR do I change for my eating habits for good and live the second act of my life healthy. Now we are not talking about loosing 20 or so pounds. If I am honest with myself, totally honest and not even going by what the doctor says I should weigh but going by what I know I feel comfortable I need to loose 160 pounds. That number is staggering to me. I feel like I have entered a time warp because the last time I checked if I had lost maybe 50 pounds I would be doing fantastic! I looked great when I was 18-21 but who doesn't? I was busy with my life,school, having fun, going out. I started to really put on the weight with my first child, but OK can I really blame the baby for ME not taking the weight off after the babies were born? I feel now that using your baby weight isn't fair its just a way to push blame off yourself.  I feel like I have no where to turn. How in the hell am I still living, walking, breathing with all this stress on my heart? I felt great up until 1 year ago. Now I have noticed getting winded just doing simple things like laundry and cleaning. Work completely exhausts me, just getting ready for work I feel like I had a work out. Even just going to the store. Really, as I shop I am out of breath but still reaching for the BAD food. Can we say reality check please. Now I haven't taken this journey by myself. I come from a fat family Yes we love to eat, anything oowie, gooey,  rich, creamy, salty, BBQ, or sweet. A real meat and potato's crowd. My friends are also my food buddies but they don't have as much weight to lose as myself. I happen to be the fattest one of the bunch. How ironic we all need to lose weight, birds of a feather do really flock together. A matter of fact most everyone I know could lose 15-100 pounds. We all carry extra cargo.Who doesn't these days, right? That's whats made this acceptable for me, I buy into the lie. Our country is fat I am just part of the statistic.
 Now I have been on lots of diets over the years, Weight Watchers, Medafast, Jenny Craig, Michael Thurman, Cabbage Soup, Low Fat, High protein, American Heart Association, Susan Powers, Diabetic Diet, The biggest loser, Grapefruit diet, the list goes on. Here's the best part. I could tell anyone how to lose weight because I have so much knowledge. Am I for real? Like, how can I help others?  You  must be kidding me. Take a look in the mirror and HELP HER! That girl in the mirror is going to die an early death if you don't help her! I know from my past successes that keeping a food journal was the only way I kept it honest. I have lost weight so many times to gain it back and more! So maybe if I keep it honest with the world for everyone to see I can push myself to succeed for the final time. I know this isn't going to be a quick fix, This will probably take 2 years and a lifetime of work. I need to start over for myself first, my husband second, and finally for my children and grandchildren. My husband who has never told me how much my weight bothered him, still never said anything. He has seen me struggle and knows this is my demon. I just wish he would have said something, maybe I would have done something sooner or maybe I would have gotten here sooner. I guess it doesn't matter how I got here I just need to leave this dark place and take my life back. Now remember I have probably been eating 3000 + calories a day for a long time. Maybe even more who knows. So knowing myself I just can't go from that to 1200 calories. I will fail. I know this. So I need to start slow. For the first 2 weeks I am going to try to just cut back, go slow or I will give up. Today I want to eat less I have the strength so I might cut way back but soon I will go into that mode where I say " 1 snickers won't hurt". If you stick around and check in I promise I won't. Like any other addiction it is one day at a time and whether I know it or not I think I am a food addict. So here we go.Today's Menu plan
So for breakfast today I had
7:00 1 large coffee with Cream
8:30: 1 Activia Yogurt with
2 Tablespoons of Homemade Granola
I know the coffee creamer is the killer, but remember I am going to get off the sugar slowly. My homemade granola is probably not the lowest in calories but it is a start. Give me time, this is better than what I was eating. I am going to make a pitcher of Ice water and even if it takes all day I plan to drink the whole thing. I will post lunch later.
10:30-Already feeling hungry, I have a snack of 2 string cheese wrapped with 1 slice of roasted turkey breast. I did drink 2 16oz. glasses of water
So for lunch today I'm having
1 cup of lettuce chopped with
1 cup of Fresh Garden Salsa poured over the top
6 Flatbread Italian crackers which is 1 serving
1 diet coke (I know it makes you hungry but I need it)
I made 2 cups of brown rice and put it in the fridge to chill it for dinner tonight. I think I will make a veggie stir fried rice.You need cold rice to make it.
Afternoon Snack ( feeling like I need to eat something, I am very hungry)
1 honey crisp apple, medium
1 slice of turkey breast
2 cups of Brown rice (cold)
1 cup of frozen peas and carrots
3 stems of green onions sliced
3 egg whites (scrambled and set aside to add at the end)
2 tbsp of vegetable oil
3 tbsp of stir fry sauce
I plan to only eat half this serving and freeze the rest for another day
2 16 oz. of water (My pitcher is almost gone!)
Late night snack
I decided on 10 green grapes
5 mini pretzels
This will give me the sweet and salty I was looking for with the rest of the water I needed.
All in all I had a great day, I cut back, I drank my water. Basically I made it through the day without eating out of control. Exercise is another mountain I need to climb but I'm not addressing that for at least 1 week. I am dreading tomorrow just knowing I will wake up with a headache. I always have this my second day in.

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